Some days I look at them and I am astonished on how amazing these little people I created are and some days I look at them and I think “What the hell am I doing?”. As a single parent, you have to go above and beyond to make sure that you are covering both roles and eliminating any confusion. It would be different if I had a partner to talk to about how to raise my boys, but since I am raising my boys solo I have to figure it out on my own. Yes, I receive input from friends and family who are parents, but ultimately my decision is the FINAL decision. There is no handbook or someone to tell me I am doing something wrong. I just know that I wanted them to be raised a little differently than I had been raised.
When I was growing up, I am pretty sure my parents did not know what they were doing either. I’m sure no parent does. However, my parents did not provide the customary displays of affection like a hug or a kiss or even say “I love you.” I would watch shows or movies and those parents would tell their kids that they loved them. And this made me think, Was I doing something wrong? Do my parents love me? I mean art imitates life, so if it on TV, then it must be normal, right? I would never ask of course because I was a shy child… chunky with big thick glasses. I just kept quiet and wondered.
I remember every visit to my ex-boyfriend’s house; his parents would always hug and kiss him before he left. I would ask him “why do they do that?” and he told me because if he walked out that door and never came back they were able to give him a kiss goodbye. I was in awe. I thought his parents must really care and love him. I continued to wonder if my own parents did. At that very moment, I knew that I want to make sure that when I have kids that my own kids would always know that I love them. The day my first son was brought into this world, I was exhausted and moody, but I made sure the first chance I had to hold him, I told him that I love him and gave him a little kiss.
Every day before I leave for work or drop-offs at daycare, my boys receive hugs and kisses from me. I don’t want them to ever question my love for them or even question their love for themselves. I once told a friend that my greatest fear is giving up on myself. I don’t give myself the love I deserve. With that being said, I hope that my children are getting all my unconditional love. Love cannot be measured, it can be shown.
Children are the purest form of love. Their love is unconditional and should not be taken for granted. By showing them what love is, I don’t want them to ever have to seek it from someone who doesn’t deserve it. I have to love myself more so that I can provide them with more love then they can ever imagine. Although I did not receive that form of love growing up, I now know my parents love me, but as a child I wasn’t sure. Sometimes the things we do as parents effect our children and can cause emotional scars that we never knew existed. To receive love and to give love is a gift, be the change you want to see in your children and hope you do better. Give them unconditional love and be the person you needed when you were young.
Love life and full of smiles.