It’s been a while since I have written about my boys. They have been super busy lately with their own social lives with play dates with friends, participating in sports and activities. Their social life has taken over mine… lol, literally. That is a good thing and I love it! I love how social they are and how friendly they are with other children. They make friends with just about everyone. They are my special little people. I guess that is why I feel the need to write about their current situation involving their dad and try to receive some additional insight. Right now, they are in a really good place.
Their dad recently contacted me about the boys after the holidays. He normally sends a once a year text saying, “Happy New Year” and asks how the boys are doing, etc. That is normally the end of the texting and then I wouldn’t hear back from him until the next year. Now, he doesn’t call them or wants to FaceTime, but only sends one text to inquire about how they are. My boys have pretty much adjusted to not seeing or hearing from their dad. They haven’t physically seen him in three years. My oldest son used to ask about his dad, but over time those questions ended. My youngest son never expressed interest about knowing about his dad, which makes sense, since he is only three.
So, this time when their dad texted, he was very adamant about speaking with the boys and wanting to FaceTime. I was a little uncertain about allowing him to do so. Why? You may ask? I felt like this was again a cycle. Their dad starts to have some type of interest in the boys and a few months down the line, he disappears. Or he makes all these promises such as “gifting books” or “how he is going to visit them” and then he doesn’t honor those promises. As a mom or even a parent it is stressful, heart-breaking, and sometimes it is even fearful. I’m anticipating the worse, because I have dealt with this person in the past and no matter how much they say they have changed, they really haven’t.
You can still hear some of the patterns of dishonesty in the conversations. He expressed how he wanted to talk to them through FaceTime and that he really misses them and this and that. I told him straight up how I felt and wasn’t in the mood to play games. I wasn’t going to allow him to talk to the boys just because I didn’t want to deal with the aftermath. A friend of mine suggested, well told me, I should allow him to have contact with the boys. By having contact with him it shows that I tried and doesn’t block their relationship. It also allows the boys to see for themselves of the person he truly is. If he has change it is a win/ win because the boys will now have a father somewhat in their lives and their dad will have some type of relationship with them. I was still lowkey against it. I mean, I just wasn’t sure. So, I contacted his first wife, yes his first wife, and asked about his relationship with his other two older children who have a better understanding of the situation. She gave me some great advice and I decided to move forward and allow him to talk to the boys.
For about two weeks he was consistent and then the FaceTime calls started to decrease. He promised to send them things that never came. For instance, one week, my oldest was waiting for the mail to come for like four straight days. I had to ask him “what was he waiting for?” He said his dad was going to send him a book so that they could read together. The book never came. I had to sit down with him and remind him that his dad says he will do things that may never happen, it could be because he forgot or didn’t have the time. And that it is okay for him to be mad and upset and not to bottle those feelings up inside. I am very truthful about certain things with my kids so they can understand that their dad is not the most reliable. It isn’t their fault, sometimes adults are not as perfect as they seem to be.
I write about this because as a single mom, I am still learning how to handle motherhood every day. I have to deal with this situation for the next decade and I hope my boys understand that their parent does not define them. They create their own actions; because one parent who is not here does not determine who they will be. They have friends and family that love them dearly.
Although, it does suck having to deal with a parent who is in and out of their children lives. Am I wrong to say that it is enough? I am not going to force someone to be in their children’s lives. I am not going to correct them when they have proven themselves to be wrong and unreliable. In my heart, I feel like I really should put in end to all communication, but then I think what if it backfires? There are so many different scenarios this could play out and hopefully I am choosing the right one.
Love life and full of smiles,