They say you realize your growth when the things you were worried about before are no longer a bother. The things that used to break you down mentally, spiritually and physically are now a non-factor. I felt that, in a recent encounter. Now, you all have been with me through my journey of going through the divorce of my ex-husband and life after. If you haven’t read it, check it out here.
One thing a person will go through is handling the death of a loved one. My children lost their grandmother this year and I wanted them and myself to pay our respects. I knew this would be a big deal for the kids to see all their family, but this would be a big deal for me as well. This would be the first time in four years, that I would be surrounded by people whom I once was legally bonded to. Not saying that those who were family are no longer family, but that bond of what was is no longer. And of course, the big elephant in the room; I would have to encounter my ex-husband. I used to think to myself that if I ever saw I would run him over with my car, like not just once, but put that baby in reverse and do it a few more times.
Now, since the two years we have been divorced, the first time I saw him was this past April after he came to visit the kids…read about that here. I was angry, a little at first, but relieved to finally get some mommy time. But this time was different. I would be around him for longer periods of time, faking it to make it as they say. But I was cool, until this man came out with this long apology about how he was sorry for doing me dirty, like really dirty and being strong enough to continue to have a relationship with his family since we were no longer together. At first, my blood started to boil but then I just cooled it down with an okay. With proven history, as many times as he has apologized and the countless words that have come out of his mouth, it is never genuine. He doesn’t mean it and the more he talked the more I would have to hear the lies. At some point when does a person know that their words don’t mean shit and their actions do the talking?
Although I didn’t need to put myself in the family mix, I still decided to help. Afterall, a family grieving struggles to make rational decisions and I would be there to keep the ball rolling. I think it had to be the third time he said “I did you so dirty, you are so strong for being here. I bet you want to punch me, don’t you?” Now, if he would have said that 1.5 years prior, I probably would have punched him and more than likely tried to fight him to his death. But at this point in my life and the reason why I was there was so much bigger than him or me. My children were there to say good-bye to their Grandma. Why would I ever take this opportunity away from them? He would never understand that. His feelings of what he thought of me was that he had broken me down to the core. He did that once; does he really think he could do it again with a few words? Words that mean nothing, but negativity and lies. And his last comment, “I bet you are going to write about this in your little blog, aren’t you?” Hell yeah, I am! This blog is therapeutic af for me. At that moment, I just knew my growth was intimidating and my life now is so much better than it ever was before.
It is crazy how you outgrow what you thought you needed and couldn’t live without. When you allow someone to come in your space and they turn it into negative energy, they think they have control over you. That negative energy used to consume my life and I gave up mentally. It took years to get back to where I was. My space is filled with so much more positive energy and love. I will never let someone have that much control over me except for myself. Self-love is the best love, never take yourself for guaranteed.
Love life, full of smiles